My point in this weeks post isn’t to tell people that they did something wrong because they got divorced, because honestly there are situations where it is very necessary. I just want to talk about some of the myths that we often hear about divorce and maybe give hope to those are having a rough time.
Myth #1 – You shouldn’t even get married because the divorce rate is so high.
Many people when you ask them say that the average divorce rate, specifically in the United States is 50%. I learned about a study that was turned into an entire book that found that the divorce rate for people married in the last 10 years was less than 25%. I’ll see if I can find more info on this book, but this is what I was told by my professor, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist. Looking and hearing about these statistics made marriage not seem so scary.
Myth #2 – If you spouse is unfaithful you should always kick them to the curb, no second chances!
It was actually found that 63% Americans who found out their partners were unfaithful decided to save the marriage. Granted some of them did not work out, but 50% of them reported having stronger marriages after the affair had occurred. I wish I had better sources than what my professor shared with us and if anyone would sincerely like to know I will ask him. Behind behavior is usually an unmet need and I’m not an expert, but I think a lot of affairs happen because of those unmet needs. Being able to communicate with your partner about those needs is very important and being willing to do your best to meet theirs is important as well.
Myth #3 – If you are in an unsatisfactory marriage divorce is always the answer.
As with everything in life, marriage has a learning curve and it takes time to learn how to be married and work together. There was a study done that found that 70% of couples who felt they were in unsatisfactory marriages felt they had satisfactory or very satisfactory marriages by just waiting five years. It takes time to smooth out some of the rough spots and communicate effectively with your partner. It was noted in another study that 70% of divorced Americans said they should have held on a tried to make the marriage work when asked two years after splitting up. I would like to note though that there are going to be circumstances where divorce is the best thing for everyone, especially if stuck in an abusive relationship. If divorce is going to be best there is nothing wrong with that, but it’s something that needs careful consideration before it is executed.
Myth #4 – If we don’t love each other then it’s going to be better for the kids to not live with parents who don’t love each other.
First part of this myth that I want to address is the affect the divorce could have on children. Often Mom is the one who becomes prime caretaker of the kids and Dad gets to see them on strict schedule that’s been agreed upon. What many people don’t realize is that there are many Fathers who disappear from the lives of their children and it’s not because they want to. Now he has child support to pay plus his own living expenses which a lot of times requires him to move in order to find a better paying job. Many times Mom’s will also move their children closer to her own family and support group increasing the distance between child and Father. I’ve talked about the importance of Dad’s in a previous post and it ties in very well here. Without Dad in the home there are a plethora of negative outcomes in the kids development, from behavioral problems to mental problems like low self esteem.
The other part of this myth that warrants some attention the matter of love. My friends, love is a choice, it’s not something that is out of your control. You must choose everyday to love your partner, not give in to the whole “we’ve fallen out of love” ploy that many use as an excuse. True love is also something that is made over time, it doesn’t happen overnight. Food for thought.
Divorce is an option, but it’s not the only option. That’s all the myths I have time for this week, but I am a strong believer in the institution of marriage and all that it can bring into our lives if we choose to let it. Being married is not easy and there will be heartache, but so is life in general, at least in marriage you have someone backing you up. Choose to be there for and love each other and you can make it through thick and thin.
Relationship Backpack 