Communication

Personally I believe effective communication to be one of THE hardest things we have to learn to do as human beings. It is through miscommunication that so many conflicts arise, especially with those we care for. I can remember going through so many different emotions because of miscommunication with another person; anger, sadness, anxiety etc. I also believe though that effective communication is on of the biggest keys in developing healthy relationships. The communication I am talking about today is specifically geared toward spouses.

Communication is made up of three parts, the words we say, our tone, and what we don’t say or non-verbal. It’s split up like so: 14% – words, 35% – tone, and 51% – non-verbal. It seems kind of weird that most of what we communicate isn’t even done using our voice in any way. For example lets say a friend wants your opinion on something; you make eye contact and turn your body toward that person, sincere tone of voice, and use clear concise words. Your friend would know you are paying attention, care about the topic and most importantly care about them. Even changing something as simple as not making eye contact and having your body turned away can convey insincerity no matter your tone of voice or your words. No wonder communication can be so hard, there are many factors to consider than we regularly think about.

Along with having to be aware of the different parts of communication what are some other things that make it so difficult? The first things that comes to mind are the fear we have of being vulnerable with other people and a fear of confrontation. I know both of these are two things that really keep me from communicating effectively, and they both tie into my fear of rejection and there are probably many others that feel the same way. I’m afraid that being vulnerable will bring about confrontation which in turn brings about the fear of people not liking me and rejecting me. It’s all one massive web of fear.

Okay so how do we deal with said fears? There could be underlying mental health problems and seeking a councilor might be a good course of action, but sometimes all you need is a willingness to learn and to practice. A great place to learn from is book called “Feeling Good Together” by David D. Burns MD. Burns is a former adjunct professor at Sanford University’s department of psychiatry and behavioral science. In this book he talks about the 5 secrets of effective communication. He uses the acronym EAR to help split up these 5 secrets into sections

• E – empathy: the ability to understand someone else’s point of view as well as their feelings and emotions.
  • 1. the disarming technique
  • 2. thought and feeling empathy
  • 3. Inquiry
• A – assertiveness: being able to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and concisely.
  • 4. “I feel” statements
• R – respect: showing genuine care for the other person and for yourself.
  • 5. affirmation

If you would like to learn more about these techniques please visit feelinggood.com, click on podcasts and listen to episodes 14 and 15 as well as 65-70.

Lastly I would just like to mention that as spouses take the time to learn and grow together to effectively communicate it is important to share that knowledge, especially with their family. Taking the time to teach your children these techniques will better prepare them for the future and bring more depth and richness to their future relationships. Talk with your family, council together, make decisions together, learn from each other. I wish I had more time and more to say, but sadly I have neither and so concludes this weeks post.