How do you cope with stress? I personally enjoy naps, crocheting, or some mindless YouTube watching when I feel stressed. I know some of my coping strategies are not very healthy and pretty much just me avoiding things, but it’s nevertheless what I do. Just like each of us cope with our stress individually every family has a way of coping with their stress and some of them are not so good.
Some of the hardest things we go through in life we go through with our family’s. There is no way to predict what will happen or how many crises we may go through with our loved ones. Because of the unknown future it’s important for family’s to have strong relationships with each other, having healthy communication practices, and not placing unnecessary blame on anyone.
When stress and crisis do come upon a family there is usually one of four outcomes as they cope with the event;
Each family reacts differently and in 1949 there was a man by the name of Ruben Hill who wanted to study how families cope after such stressful events. He specifically studied how families endured stress during war. Through his research he developed the ABCX family crisis model to explain the differences between families and how they coped with the stress. A (the event that produces the stress) + B (resources and responses) + C (the way the family sees the situation) = X (the total experience). It’s how a family responds to an event that determines their dynamic afterward.
Let me tell you about one of my own family crises, that has to do with me directly. I will use it to illustrate the model.
A (the event) –
Dad had dropped my Sister Jessica and I at Grandma’s house in mid November 1998 on his way to work, we were there most week days. Jess was 6 and I was 5. I usually loved going to Grandma’s house to play, but this time all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and complain that I didn’t feel very good. Grandma was of course concerned so she called my Mom to voice her concern, but I was still getting over a sinus infections so Mom wasn’t very worried. Dad did end up leaving a little earlier from work that day to come and get us though.
After arriving home Mom took me to the instacare that was pretty close to where we lived to get more antibiotics for my sinus infection. After arriving one of the nurses there noticed I was very pale and voiced a concern to Mom. I was a very pail child anyway and didn’t feel well so Mom didn’t find it super odd, but she allowed the nurse to take my blood anyway. After taking and examining my blood they came back to where we were waiting and told my Mom there was something very wrong with my blood and that she should take me straight to Primary Children’s Hospital, not to even stop at home. My Mom though decided that if it was something that serious she needed to take me home to receive a priesthood blessing.
Dad and our neighbor Garth Hood gave me a blessing, Mom got me some clothes, then I climbed into the back of our little Toyota Camry and we drove to the hospital. The instacare we had gone to sent my blood work up to Primary Children’s before we arrived. While in the waiting room of the hospital my Mom heard the “L” word being tossed around……..leukemia. I was diagnosed that day with acute lymphocetic leukemia, November 19th, 1998. After the initial tests at the hospital it was found that 96% of my blood was made up of leukemic cells……….that is very much not good. Leukemia starts when a white blood cell essentially gets a glitch and starts to divide before reaching maturity. These immature white blood cells are useless in my body and can’t fight off anything that might attack it, so I basically had no immune system.
They started me on chemotherapy right away, although the first round they started me on did not work as well as they had hopped. They ended up having to put me on a more aggressive regimen of chemo. With the need to administer the chemo so regularly They also had to insert a tube, central line, into my chest, that went into one of my major arteries so they didn’t have to put needles into me all the time. Of course with all the chemo my hair fell out and not just what was on top of my head, ALL hair on my body.
There is a lot more to the story, but it would take several hundred more words and more time that I don’t have at the moment. I can tell you that there was a major scare with septic shock, many hours of physical therapy, opening presents well after Christmas, and a very large amount of love and support from those around me and my family.
B (resources and responses) –
The response of my siblings:
During this time you can imagine how much time my parents spent at the hospital with me. Due to their time away from all the other kids my siblings felt like they had been abandoned and were farmed off to various neighbors and relatives. The oldest was only 14 at the time and most of them didn’t really understand the severity of the situation, that their sister actually might die. Those who remembered anything during that period of time told me that they hated the fact that everyone would ask them how their sister was doing, but never how they were doing.
The response of my parents:
Both of my parents responded with a log of faith. It was a little harder for my Mom, but she had an experience that helped her to feel peace about the whole situation. She told me it wasn’t necessarily that I would get better, but that no matter what happened things would be okay. Dad had felt peace from the beginning, that everything would be okay even I did die. We believe in a Father in Heaven who gave his children a plan and the family is at the center of this plan. They knew that we are a forever family and that they would see me again if I did pass away.
Resources:
Our faith based community was a major resource that my family was able to rely on at that time. People from our ward were constantly offering service and coming to see me in the hospital. They donated their time, their prayers, and their love when it was needed most. Faith was the resource that was relied on the most heavily, faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, in Heavenly Father, and in the Holy Ghost.
C (the way the family sees the situation) –
The way my family saw the situation was different from my parents to my siblings. The way they responded shows somewhat into how they saw the situation. My siblings saw some abandonment, my Mom was fearful, but would do all she could keep the faith, and my dad saw the trial as something that would pass, that everything would be alright. I’m honestly not sure how I saw the situation because of being sick and my lack of memories.
X (the total experience) –
The experience did leave some trauma with everyone. My siblings grew closer and learned how to depend on each other, but became more independent. The oldest and the youngest became closer as the oldest took initiative to really look after the youngest during the absence of my parents. My parents grew in faith and love for their eternal family, but also did hold onto some guilt for abandoning their children during that time. The overall experience though even with the attached trauma strengthened us as a family, brought us closer together, helped us rely not only on each other more, but to also rely on those in our community. In the end I believe we turned out to be one of those families who bounced back or maybe became even better than it was before.
Crises happen and they will always be a part of life, but it is our choice as to how we react to them. It’s our choice whether or not to take the initiative to make them better than they were before.
Relationship Backpack 